Saturday 27 December 2014

Bhaag Madan Bhaag



Madan Mitra (Sports & Transport Minister of West Bengal), overtaken by CBI inspite of his 'Bhaag Madan Bhaag' sprints!!!
A R R E S T E D around 4pm on 12th December 2014 by CBI for huge fraud!
CBI found Madan to be closely associated with the mega Saradha chit fund scam!
When did Madan go to have a facial last time?
How is it that his face used to shine like a mirror?
What is Madan's weight as on 12th Dec?
What did he have for dinner on 11th Dec 2014?
Did he lose his hunger on 11th Dec?
Did he have a sound sleep in the intervening night of 11th and 12th Dec?
How many trips did he make to the loo on the intervening night of 11th and 12th Dec?
Did he have his breakfast at home on 12th Dec before heading for the CBI office in Kolkata?
What did he have for breakfast?
What was the thickness of the rope used to tie him up after 4pm on 12th Dec?
What was the length of the rope used to tie him up after 4pm on 12th Dec?
What did he have for lunch on 12th Dec before the arrest?
What did he have for dinner on 12th Dec after the arrest?
Will he be served dinner in a three year old aluminium 'thali' on 12th Dec and for the next decade or more that he'll be a 'state guest'?
Will he be made to lie on the floor at the Salt Lake Electronics Complex Police Station on 12th Dec & henceforth?
Will he made to wear a blue and white striped 'chaddi' and 'pajama' henceforth?
How happy is Kunal Ghosh now?
There are no end to the number of questions haunting me .... all related to this person who created history in independent West Bengal!
Dailies of 13th & 14th December 2014 will have all the answers .... I will not have access to all those. Please respond with your answers.

‪#‎SaradhaScam‬ ‪#‎HowIndiaTravels‬ ‪#‎LaughAloud‬ ‪#‎BengalisShamed‬ ‪#‎BengalDoomed‬

Swamiji, Mamataji, Netaji

Swamiji, Mamataji, Netaji ...... efforts are on to project all in the same league!!!

The one and only 'learned' and 'know it all' lady of West Bengal has passed on instructions to have 10'x3' flex banners printed & displayed in thousands (maybe in lakhs .... more the merrier for their own coffers) on 10th/ 11th Jan & 22nd/ 23rd Jan 2015 to celebrate Swami Vivekananda and Netaji Subhas Chandra Bose's birthday.

She, supposedly the 'biggest gift of God to mankind', wants her photo to be printed in between photos of Swamiji and Netaji, with taxpayers hard earned money.

Shame! shame! shame!

‪#‎HowIndiaTravels‬ ‪#‎BengalisShamed‬ ‪#‎BengalDoomed‬ ‪#‎HowNotToMarket‬ #LaughAloud

Ideal cure for Madan Mitra's epilepsy

When I was in school/ college, I frequently heard of a 100% cure for 'Mrigi' disease, i.e. Epilepsy.

The patient (Madan Mitra, Sports & Transport Minister of West Bengal) can be made to smell old/ dirty leather footwear at short intervals. Better still, the footwear can be kept tied around the neck like 'identity cards' 24x7 for a 'do-it-yourself' cure.

It's absolutely useless lodging a financially well-off epileptic patient under the care of a medical board in air-conditioned comfort in severely resource struck super-speciality state-run hospitals when such painless cure is available with ease.

‪#‎LaughAloud‬ ‪#‎BengalisShamed‬ ‪#‎BengalDoomed‬

Dada's 1st love is now being fulfilled by the dog



It's a dog's life.
Dada (Madan Mitra, Sports & Transport Minister of West Bengal) has officially become a state guest after all his 'hera-pheri'!
Dada's 1st love is now being fulfilled by the dog.

‪#‎LaughAloud‬ ‪#‎BengalisShamed‬ ‪#‎BengalDoomed‬

Tuesday 18 November 2014

What's Cilli Chicken & Cilli Beep

Keep wondering what the items in the menu are.
If you are not sure, please get your doubts clarified from the waiter!
Don't repent later.

Monday 10 November 2014

Animals type man should urinate here?

Animals type man should urinate here?????
How do they look?
Intrigued!

#RottenEnglish

Awkward tattoos

This should send shivers through the spine of all my male and lady friends who are contemplating tattooing themselves!
Imagine a spelling or some other glaring mistake on the tattoo.
Note the error in 'courageous' and 'intelligent'.

#RottenEnglish

Tuesday 4 November 2014

Letter pertaining to 'attendance status' of student to her father

Our friend Swaraj Roy got this letter pertaining to 'attendance status' from his daughter's college (Jain University) on 4th November 2014.
He's wondering if he should be worried?
He needs your suggestion!

Similarity between WhatsApp and diapers

Similarity between WhatsApp and diapers.

Sunday 12 October 2014

Girls and boys talking in college is a taboo in Chennai

Shocked to read that in St.Joseph's College, Chennai, a so called "mixed" or Co-ed college, if a girl ever talks to a boy, both sets of parents are summoned to college!
Boys and girls have to walk on different sides of the road and drive way.
I understand that there are many more engineering/ general colleges in Tamilnadu, where the 'educationists' have the same mindset.
I have a simple query, if a student's father reaches college to find a lady principal/ dean at the helm of affairs (or vice-versa), will the grandmother or grandfather of the student be summoned?

Friday 10 October 2014

Forget women, even goats are not safe from Arabs

A visiting professor at Florida State University is giving a seminar on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.

"That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
15 students raise their hands.

"That’s a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.

"That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further.....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
One Arab student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The Arab replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost." The Arab replies, "Ghost? Damn, no..... From back there I thought you said ’goats’!"

Sunday 5 October 2014

Essay on cow by school-kid in Kolkata

A kid in a reputed school in Kolkata scored a perfect '0' on '8' against Qtn 6a. He was asked to write a paragraph about 'cows' in Bengali.



Translated into English, this is what he wrote:
"Cow is an animal. We all know cow. Cow roams everywhere near us. Cow calls 'hamba, hamba'. Cow has four tails and one leg. Cow is a vegetarian, so eats grass. Cow gives milk. Mother Dairy takes this milk and supplies us. I drink milk every morning. My friend Raj stays on the 24th floor of South City. He has not seen a cow."

I'd like to follow this kid's career progress .....he is creative & has a sense of logical reasoning
Might grow up to head a good creative agency
He has seen cows but his friend staying on the 24th Floor of an upmarket housing cluster has not seen one
A cow is a veggie & therefore eats grass while my young author is a non-veg who by logical reasoning has fish, chicken, eggs only

Defining 30 best fun-bags of Bollywood

Defining 30 best fun-bags of Bollywood.



(01) Thanks to Sunny Leone's entry into Bollywood, we no longer have to hide her CDs from our girls, the ones we’ve been collecting since years. Watching Sunny Leone shove ‘em into the 70mm screen is the best feeling ever!
(02) Lara Dutta, the former Miss Universe was looking very firm and supple in ‘Blue’ – and we are not talking about her body in general either. Neither a tease, nor a prude – Dutta commands attention if and when she does decide to flaunt her goods.
(03) Every time Bipasha Basu, the dusky beauty appears on screen, she uninhibitedly lets us steal a glance at those twins and leaves us asking for more. What would the fantasy world be like without Bips?
(04) Mallika Sherawat's breasts caught the attention of viewers in ‘Khwahish’, and a decade later we still have our own khwahish-es about this sultry siren.
(05) Jacqueline Fernandes, the leggy lass knows well how to tease her men with a sensuous sway, a slow and gentle heaving followed by an occasional thrusting jiggle, all in a single moment!
(06) Whether covered by the bikini top in ‘Cocktail’ or the choli in ‘Goliyon Ka Rasleela: Ram Leela’ – Deepika Padukone’s assets charm men all over India every time she appears onscreen.
(07) Sinking low, pressing ‘em against the floor, Katrina Kaif goes ‘Zara Zara Touch Me’ while you blame Abbas-Mustan for not making the film in 3D.
(08) The epitome of proportion, Priyanka Chopra’s twins are just as shapely as the rest of her. No wonder this ‘exotic’ ‘desi girl’ is media’s darling!
(09) Donning a bikini that became one with Shilpa Shetty's skin, leaving only little to the imagination, she left the whole theatre screaming, ‘Shut up, just bounce’!
(10) Chitrangada Singh, the ‘Desi Boyz’ actress’ well-defined cheekbones go perfectly well with her equally defined cans. Lucky man, Jyoti Randhawa!
(11) Size does matter, and Poonam Pandey proves it right. While we may not clearly remember her face, we can surely differentiate her knockers from amongst a thousand others.
(12) Ditzy roles or superhot intelligence in her movies, Amisha Patel’s hooters probably make a better point to us guys. No offence.
(13) Usually actions speak louder than words. In Sherlyn Chopra’s case, her pair talk the loudest. Outrageously big and equally limber, Sherlyn’s babies are simply drool-worthy.
(14) Too bad Neha Dhupia’s career has not been as hot as her knockers. God knows we could have done with a few more Julies!
(15) Trapping those beauties of Ayesha Takia inside clothes is just unfair to man-kind.
(16) Bazooka alert! ‘Mickey Virus’ actress Elli Avram’s entry in Bollywood could just be the next best thing for all of you who appreciate beauty.
(17) Malaika Arora Khan .... don’t we love women who flaunt all that they’ve got! We’ve seen her wiggle and waggle her assets in several songs but we just cannot get enough of it.
(18) Good things come in small packages – and that is what petite Sophie Chaudhry is all about! Who can forget the item number ‘Bad Boy’ from the movie ‘Pyaar Ke Side Effects’ in all her soapy goodness?
(19) Dimple Kapadia .... can anybody forget those treats waiting to pop out of the skimpy red bikini in the film ‘Bobby’?
(20) We did not even realize when Urmila Matondkar went from young to old – but someone must have forgotten to tell her girls that. Not that we are complaining.
(21) Amrita Arora couldn't act but her gazongas surely could! If breasts could bag roles, she’d be a superstar today!
(22) Yana Gupta the exotic Czech beauty in Bollywood movies is being missed badly nowadays. We miss the perfection that we witnessed in ‘Bijli Giri’ (‘Dum’) and ‘Oh! What a Babe!’ (‘Rakht’).
(23) Bruna Abdullah never shied away from introducing her lady lumps to the whole wide world. This girl is a regular visitor in our fantasy land.
(24) Zeenat Aman .... they don’t make them like her anymore - raw earthy sensuality with none of that cosmetic surgery nonsense. What you see is what you get – and we liked what we saw!
(25) Veena Malik is getting bigger by each passing day. Can someone let us know when her hooters have ‘swayamvars’ of their own?
(26) Maryam Zakaria .... if anything, ‘Grand Masti’ gave us half a dozen hot women to daydream about. And Maryam Zakaria, in her red bodyfit dress, was one voluptuous goddess we pledge our devotion to.
(27) Kainaat Arora .... as the famous dialogue from ‘Grand Masti’ goes, she has left a thousand men waiting to visit her ‘doodh ki factories’.
(28) Zarine Khan is the busty bombshell who made a royal debut in Bollywood as a princess in ‘Veer’. She might not be an outstanding actress, but people do wish to see ‘more’ of her in coming movies.
(29) Koena Mitra may have gotten the rhinoplasty wrong but thank god, she chose the right surgeon to treat those once-little funbags!
(30) They say that Riya Sen’s eyes are her most attractive feature. They missed the mark by at least six inches northwards, dude!

Description courtesy: http://m.mensxp.com/entertainment

Friday 26 September 2014

Kamasutra lessons

KAMASUTRA LESSONS:
1. Kamasutra says : If you suck one nipple, the women herself offers the other one. And that was the origin of "buy one get one free"!
2. Did you ever notice: everything on a woman's upper body starts with a "B". Blouse, Bra, Bikini, Boobs & lower body with a "P" Peticoat, panties, pussy...No wonder men suffer from high B P!
3. Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress only yourself. Moral: In life no one helps you once you're fucked
4. Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.
5. What is the difference between frustration and satisfaction? What the Fuck! and What a Fuck!
6. 3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you 'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment!
7. Life is like a dick, sometimes it becomes hard for no reason.
8. Practical thought: A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes. A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life..!

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "Congrats!".
But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say "Well done".

Hard work is never appreciated: Only result matters.

Thursday 25 September 2014

Wednesday 24 September 2014

Sunday 21 September 2014

'Shera Bangali' cover photo on 'Desh' (issue dated 17th September 2014)

'Shera Bangali' cover photo on 'Desh' (issue dated 17th September 2014).
These are only two great Bengalis, out of hundreds who have surfaced in recent years under the aegis of an individual who claims to be a 'Symbol of Integrity'.
Thanks to these people, all self-respecting Bengalis are ashamed and disgusted.

Customer care by State Transport Corporations in India

Some of the State Transport Corporations really care for their passengers.
Why aren't the bosses hauled up for such fantastic customer comfort ..... I'm left wondering!

Sunday 7 September 2014

Friday 22 August 2014

Logical excuse to end up in bed

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman And she was upset.
'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you.
I want a divorce right away ! And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.
'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began ..... 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift.
She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.
She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.
The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.
'The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please, Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
That's how we ended up on bed....

Beware of non-alcoholic, coffee drinking drivers

Beware of strictly non-alcoholic, coffee or tea or juice drinking drivers.
They cause havoc on Indian roads :P

'Bride wanted' advertisement by a very demanding groom

A 50 yr old (5'4" height) non-matric resident of North 24-Parganas district in West Bengal is very demanding when it comes to searching for a bride for himself.
In the very first line of the advertisement in a Bengali newspaper, the wannabe groom claims that he has no demands and says that it's a golden opportunity for potential brides!
He wants the applicant to be fair, beautiful, beauty contest model (sic!), smart, expert in household chores, H.S passed, 25 - 35 yrs age bracket and belong to a particular caste.
The groom doesn't have his father and mother (whatever it means), but has an orphaned nephew (possibly grown-up) who also has to be looked after by the bride-to-be since there's nobody to care for him.
The lady has to contact herself through snail-mail and mention her mobile number while applying for a 'registry-marriage'.

Double-decker in Maharashtratimes

Phenomenal penchant for 'Rotten English' by #MaharashtraTimesOnline. This piece of online Rotten English with terrible stink was spotted on 22nd August 2014.
Please stare at the screen-shot for some time and you might actually forget the correct spelling of the word 'double'.
These guys have repeatedly made a mess of the word 'double-decker' and even had the audacity of inserting a hashtag before the wrong spelling.
For all that you know, the journalist was educated from one of the hundreds of colleges in #OxfordOfTheEast, Pune.
Aren't the hallowed lot of offline or online news dissipating agencies supposed to dissipate content which educates the mass?
Will somebody be hauled up for spreading the #stink.

Saturday 16 August 2014

Hates Maths and Statistics, knows no English

The following is an actual Facebook comment by a MBA student in Pune.
Will somebody help me to understand her #RottenEnglish.
Anybody willing to offer her a job?

Medical breakthrough in 'Knee joint X-ray'

Rarest of the rare medical breakthrough in 'Knee joint X-ray'.

We are thankful to Mr.Rajesh Mehta (Facebook @ rajkmehta) for sharing with us a copy of the X-ray plate.

Saturday 9 August 2014

In-prayer product positioning

A very senior marketing director of Nestle worlwide (of Nescafe fame) manages to have a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican with the active assistance of yours truly, the Marketingpundit.com.

After receiving the Papal blessing, the Nestle (Nescafe) official whispers, "Your Eminence, I have some business to discuss. We at Nescafe have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee'."
The Pope looks outraged and thunders, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord, It must not be changed".
"Well," says the Nescafe man somewhat chastened, "We anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, and the importance of the Lord's Prayer to all Catholics, we will increase our offer to $300 million. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to Give us this day our daily coffee'."
Again, even more sternly, the Pope replies, "That, my son is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."
Finally, the Nescafe director says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to your faith, we realise that tradition is essential to your beliefs, we fully understand the importance of the word of the Lord .............. but we do have one final offer. Please discuss it with your cardinals. We will donate $500 million to the great Catholic church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee'. Please, please consider it." And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.
"There is some Good news", he announces.
He continues to a hushed assembly "And some bad news ...... the good news is, the Church will get $ 500 million".
"And what is the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.
"Sadly" says the Pope,
.
.
.
"We would have to lose the Britannia Account...... .............and take on with the Nestle!"

That's in-prayer product positioning.

Uttam - Suchitra happy to be no more

This is possibly the best poster which has immense relevance to the #LokSabhaElections2014.
My Bengali friends will have a hearty laugh.

P.S: I pity those who are missing out on the meaning.
Those who are interested in the hidden meaning, can respond as a comment. There will be too many people to convey the translated meaning.
Just #LaughAloud

Cell Phone etiquette

After a tiring day in office, a young commuter Manasi settled down in her seat for the long journey back home and closed her eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, Sawant, the short and bald elderly guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice ......
"Hi sweetheart, it's Sawant. I'm on the train." "Yes, I know it's eight-thirty and not four-thirty, but I had a long meeting". "No, honey, not with the lady from the 24 hrs news channel. It was with the Boss taking my pants off." "No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life."

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.

When young Manasi sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone ...... "Sawant, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Now, Sawant doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

Short names of Indian politicians

A new trend of shortening names have begun in politics.
Narendra Modi is called "Namo" and Rahul Gandhi is called "RaGa".
Nearer home we have MamBa, PaCha, MaMi, MuRo, AmMi.

Harish Goyal and Mukesh Tomar have decided to quit politics fearing the inevitable.
Supriya Sule must be out of her wits!

#HowIndiaTravels #MarketingpunditDotCom

Why do lightning strike

Translated into English for my friends who would have missed out on the superbly creative answer of a school-going child.
Unfortunately, the teacher wasn't amused and awarded the child a 'duck' out of five.

Qtn: Why do lightning strike?
Ans: So that heroines can tightly hug their heroes!

Sitting rituals during marriage

Wife asks: "Why is it that in all marriages girl sits on left side and boy on right side?"

Husband replies: "According to profit and loss statement of accounts, all income is on the right side and expenses are on the left side"

Fake Animals - Made and Sold in China

Even fake animals are made and sold in China.
To sell, the Chinese guys are going over-board to fake anything and everything.

RahulG decides to play chess with AliaB

The two most eligible and 'intelligent' citizens of India decides to play chess.
If RahulG & AliaB are India's youth icons, may the almighty save India. After all 70% of India's population is less than 30 yrs old.
RahulG, however, nearing/ past 45 is perceived to be a Farex drinking dumb baby by a large chunk of Indians.

Tarzan and Jane

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him. During her questions about his life, she asked him how often he had sex and with whom?
'Tarzan not know sex,' he replied in his jungle English.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said, "Oh.Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
"Here," she said, pointing to her privates, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, revealing his manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel first."

Maid deserved a hike

Maid wanted a salary raise.
Madam wanted 3 reasons why she wanted a raise.

Maid: I can cook better than you?
Madam: Who told you that?
Maid: Your husband told me!

Madam: Ok, second reason.

Maid: I can iron better than you.
Madam: Who told you that?
Maid: Your husband told me.

Madam: Ok, and the third reason?

Maid: I am also better in bed than you!
This time madam was furious and she was getting ready to break her head.
Madam: Did my husband say that?
Maid: No the driver told me that I'm better in bed than you.

Madam: Please lower your voice I will increase your salary.....

Bangla definition of Condom

Bengali teacher goes to a pharmacy to buy condoms. He asks for condoms by defining it in his rich knowledge of Bengali as a language.

I will not hazard a try to translate the above to English for my friends who do not read/ understand Bengali. Too bad, they are missing out on a million dollar piece of vocabulary.